How Do I Get Over Him? Advice on Breakups from a Guy

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One of the first things that undoubtedly will pop into your mind right after a breakup is going to be “how do I get over him?”. How are you suppose to let all those warm fuzzy feelings that you have of all the fun times that you and your boy-toy had with one another go for the mundane and grey world that is now chalked full of rain and cold bitterness?

Ladies, let me tell you, this process is more simple than you realize. Aka, there’s hope for your mope..

I know that right now as you clinch your phone, while you’re cocooned up under all your bedsheets, you’re saying to yourself, could this be? Could I really get over him?

Look, turn down Sam Smith and listen to what I have to say, just for a moment, then you can go back to destroying more of our forrest with the Kleenax’s..

Are you ready for the secret to getting over him?

Ok, brace for it, here it is…

Holster those tears long enough to read and comprehend. Ok?

In order to get over him, you have to get under him!

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Wait. Did I really just say that?

Yes. Yes, I did.  So hear me out.

Now, when I say under him, I don’t mean “him”, I mean the next guy…

Breakups suck. They suck sweaty monkey ass on a hot August day at high noon in the middle of the Vegas strip.

Breakups are the closest equivalent to having someone we love die, but they’re still here and going. What did die was the bond between you two. That is forever over and the sooner you accept that fact the quicker you can move towards getting over him.  I know that this all sounds so basic with a touch of bullshit on the side, but it’s true.

Look, I’ve been rocking this planet for almost 4 decades and have gone through some REALLY BAD breakups with ex’s that for one reason or another thought it would be best to BURN THE FUCKING HOUSE DOWN – metaphorically (kinda).

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Hopefully you didn’t do that and/or aren’t thinking of doing that. No sense in it. Just move on. When you feel that way, that’s your inner 5 year old pitching a damn temper tantrum. Cage that S.O.B and let’s get to work on how you’re going to get over him.

Ok?

So back to how you can make this happen and move past him.

First, the sting never gets better. I can still tell you now that I miss my ex-wife but that doesn’t mean I ever want to be around her. Besides, while she’s here, who’s running hell?

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Ha.

But here’s what I know. There will be another relationship and when there is the previous relationship sting goes away, and it does so kinda magically, and quickly. Those pains, the hurt, the yearning, the desperation that you feel now all go like a smelly fart in the wind. Whoosh, gone!

But, before you go and get your freak on, let me propose something.

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Focus on you. You do you, boo..

Here’s why. One day you will more than likely get married and be stuck with “the disappointment” that frankly costs a truckload of money to get rid of (through divorce). Yeah, you heard me right, you will have the rest of your life to live comfortably disappointed with Prince Charming. Lol, everything about him one day is gonna piss ya off. All that lovey-dovey, smoochie-coochie, kissy shit is out-the-door and in comes a pot-belled, balding, burping, farting, lazy 35 year old chubby hubby of yours.

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Wait, what about that box of kleenex? Weren’t you hell bent on cutting every damn tree down in your relentless pursuit of self pity and depressive contemplation on whether or not it’s a good idea to choke down as many Tylenol as you can to end it? (please, please, please fuckin don’t). I say this light-heartedly because, well, as you might not have noticed, you’re either disgusted by me or think I’m a funny mofo (I’ve actually had a chick tell me that I wasn’t remotely funny… then I realized she had no clue what a metaphor was).

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Look, if you can’t make fun of it, it ain’t real, so lighten up and let the pain and hurt roll off your back like water off a duck (interesting duck-fact: ever wonder how duck’s could swim around in a pond when it’s freezing out? Hmmm, now ya know, and if you don’t get what I’m saying, pay the fuck attention to class and do your homework).

Back to how to get over him after a breakup.

There’s 5 Stages to Dealing with Grief

1. Denial

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Denial is a common defense mechanism that buffers the immediate shock of a breakup. Denial allows us to block out the reality of the situation and hide from the facts (kinda like what you might be doing right now in bed and under your covers). Good news is is that’s actually quite normal, so congrats on that.

2. Anger

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Yeah, you know anger. Its that temper tantrum you’re about to pitch about something super not important to you or probably anyone. As the masking effects of denial begin to wear off, reality sets in and the pain from it emerges. You just aren’t ready to deal with this bullshit. The intense emotion is deflected from our vulnerable core, redirected and expressed instead as anger. The anger may be aimed at inanimate objects, complete strangers, friends or family.

3. Bargaining

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The normal reaction to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability is often a need to regain control through a series of “If only” statements. If only you had been better. If only you loved more. If only you could have gotten over your insecurities and opened up.

The “if’s” are limitless and honestly a waste of time in retrospect. They do serve a valuable purpose, but not for your former lover. They are good for you to remember and learn from for the next relationship. This is so you don’t repeat the same mistake again. So, think of that relationship as a practice round for a better one to come for you. And trust me, there’s another one right around the corner so take it slow and work on you right now. Put the pieces back together so to speak.

4. Depression

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I’m not going to deep dive this as it’s best left up to trained medical professionals to help you if you need it. All I’m going to say is that it’s just normal to feel depressed so if you do, there’s nothing wrong with you, it’s a part of the healing process..

5. Acceptance

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Coping with a breakup is really a deeply personal and singular experience, nobody can or should help you go through it more easily or try to understand all the emotions you are experiencing. However, friends can be there for you to  help comfort you through this process of healing. The best advice I can give you is to just allow yourself to feel all the grief of the breakup as it hits you. Don’t try to resist it as it’ll only prolong your journey of healing.

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Ok, now forget all that Psychiatric mumbo jumbo and listen to me.

Get the fuck up and go shower off. You smell terrible and that’s only going to attract flies and not guys.

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Now, get out your favorite outfit, push the girls up, put on some uplifting music and go do something fun. Go hang out with friends. Work on your homework or dive into your job and rock it out.

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You’ve got to make yourself so busy that you don’t have time to cry or feel sorry for yourself or stalk his Instagram and Snapchat stories. In fact, go ahead and delete any access you have and block him so you’re not tempted to go snooping. All that will do is hurt your feelings even worse and right now you ain’t got time for that shit, you’ve got work to do and that work is on you girlfriend.

Immerse yourself into a hobby, go work at a homeless shelter. Do something selfless. Do something for someone else and I promise you it’ll make you feel better and give you back purpose.

You are a beautiful and deserving person that will get all the love that you know you deserve one day, just not today.

So, keep your head high and remember that in 10 years you’ll run into Prince Charming and I promise you that you will wonder what the fuck you were ever thinking when you see what he’s turned into…

Daddy out.

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